It's a new year. And the most common resolution is "to be a better person" (then the losing weight and eating better thing follows closely behind).Let's focus for a moment on what it means to be a better person. The most important thing to know about reaching a goal, is to know what that goal is what its details are.... what does it look like... how does that change your everyday... what does it feel like? That way, when the right opportunities come along to realize your goal, you will recognize the characteristics of your goal and be able to act.

Being a better person. It's a broad goal. It's a general statement. It is something that can mean so many things to different people. I'm going to try to narrow it down somewhat for the good people who are going through very trying and difficult things right now -- separation and divorce. How can you be a better person when it comes to your involvement in the breakdown of your marriage or adult interdependent partnership?

Be Kind to Yourself and Be Supported

If you are just beginning the process of your separation, you can be a better person first of all by treating yourself kindly. Get your sleep... get your exercise.... eat healthy foods that will fuel your body, and replenish the toll that stress can have in order that you can continue with your everyday life of parenting and work. It's hard to be a better person when you're running on empty. Have support in place... friends, family, or professional support.

Ensure that you have good sounding boards... and this is key. 

A good sounding board is someone who listens to what you are feeling and the issues that you're having... and then challenges you to action. They say things like "what do you think you're going to do about that?" Or "when do you think you'll take that step?" A sounding board that is not helpful to you, is the one that gets you even more upset (OMG I can't believe she is trying to do this to you... there's no way you're going to let that happen, is there!!!??), and tells you what they would do (even though they are not the ones that will have to live with the consequences of what they're suggesting). Having a harmful sounding board will likely make you feel worse about your situation, and may cause you to doubt your own goals... and may even prompt you to take action that is not in line with what you truly want. As a lawyer we are well aware of the parent or the friend that may love you very much, but does not do you any favours in the legal process. Choose people who listen to you, and ask what you are going to do about your situation. People who are prepared to be objective in discussing pros and cons... risks and benefits.

Be Polite and Fulfill Obligations on Time

There is no cost to you in being polite and being on time. These are basic things you can do to make things smoother in your separation. When you make arrangements to exchange children, or meet with a realtor... be there at the time you said. Or if your estranged spouse communicates with you asking for a response of some kind, respond promptly, briefly and with common civility. That's not to say they are currently deserving of it... or that you will feel like it... but you will not be dragged down into a spiral of conflict or poor communication. Polite and brief and on time.

Be a Good Parent to your Children

You cannot control what your estranged spouse does as a parent. You can control completely the kind of parent that you are. Again, make sure your own tank is full (sleep, exercise, nutrition)... and then remember all the wonderful things that parenting can bring. Hugs, smiles... laughter. It's easy to get overfocused on the separation and what that will do to you.... how your life is changing... but you can also focus on your kids by taking the time to read them stories... snuggle... watch movies with them... play games... and just plain enjoy their company. Separation is extremely difficult for the kids too, and giving them your time will help you and them. They may need counselling, and it's not a bad idea to ask around and get references in case you need a counsellor, so that you don't have to make a snap decision about it if something happens you need one right away.

If you want to be a better person in 2019... please resist the urge to compete with or denounce the other parent in front of your kids. Be appropriate when having a new partner introduced into the fold. Little eyes are always watching to see what's happening... who it affects... and there can be consequences to them.

Get Real With Yourself, and Prepare for the Things that are Likely to Happen

What does she mean getting real with yourself? Things seem to have become pretty real during the whole separation thing... haven't they? Here's what I mean...If you are pretty sure the children are going to live with one of you most of the time (primary residence)... then you need to get real if you are the parents as to what support will look like. If you are the one who is going to be paying it... find out what that amount is going to be... and start figuring out your budget. The child support guidelines are followed with regularity, based who the child lives with and for what percentage of time... and the annual income of the payor parent. The sooner you are prepared for that monthly payment amount the better. Again... prepare for the things that are likely to happen.

Another example of getting real with yourself is to take stock of how you will be paying your bills as a single parent or single income family. Prepare for the fact that you will have bills to pay, and need a place to live... and need to run a vehicle and eat food as well. Gathering information is a large part of the separation process.

If you have been out of the workforce for one reason or another, but have skills that are marketable, or require some schooling to become self-sufficient, it makes sense to do your research and make some phone calls to see what people are looking for, availablity of jobs, upgrade or refresher education, what your living expenses are likely to be on a monthly basis, and where that income is going to come from. These types of things require some time to sit and outline these things... do some introspective thinking... but are very important.

Talking to a lawyer about matters of spousal support and child support are a good way to learn some more information about entitlement to spousal support, how long you might be able to receive such support, and the amount you might expect to receive.

Getting your financial disclosure in order is also a way to make the process easier for everyone involved. Knowing what property you have is the first big step in deciding what you want to do with it and what can be done with it.

Keep Trying, Stay healthy, have good sounding boards and support, be civil, be a good parent, make realistic assessments about property and finances and then plan for what is likely to happen. These can help you be a better person through your separation and divorce, and will hopefully keep you from falling into the potholes that many people have into before. If you have a bad day... get back at it and try again the next day. Keep trying. Start small. Even the smallest efforts have large impact.

All the best in the New Year to all. To Book a Consult, call Bobbi Cammer at 1.403.775.6097 or email bobbinyman@me.com.